How to Tell If He
wowgirl1230 | 28 October, 2008 02:08How to Tell If He When a person marries or commits to someone who they feel is "The One" (Mr. Right), they assume that they will never experience similar feelings toward another person again in their life. Unfortunately, except for chick-flick love stories, this is not always true. If it were, the divorce rate would decrease, less domestic violence would occur and fewer antacids would be sold. The truth is that we are all human and when we allow ourselves to be, we are quite vulnerable to developing significant feelings for others. The telling factor in defining our character is how we act upon what we feel. When you meet someone new and exciting (Mr. Right Now) what you are experiencing is the WOW phenomenon, someone has shown an interest in you and you are flattered. At this point,
you and your significant other may have become so "comfortable" in your relationship that you have begun to take each other for granted and have stopped courting one another. Spontaneity has given way to standardization. Romance to routine. Yours may have become a relationship of convenience and obligation, opening the door for this dilemma to materialize. Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle Currently, with Mr. Right Now, you are in the Infatuation Stage. He can do no wrong, and you can't stop thinking of him. You probably can't eat or sleep, and every song you hear or card you read reminds you of him. He has become your own natural aphrodisiac. If you traded personal information, you are probably checking your E-mail and voice mail every 15 minutes to see if has communicated with you. If you spend more time with him, this phase will gradually wear off and his faults and imperfections will become more evident. You may even find that although he is different from your boyfriend (past, at this point), you don't like the differences. This will leave you seeking Mr. Next. Yours is a situation that cannot be hidden from your boyfriend as he will sense and observe changes in how you are communicating with him. Thus, you must take an inventory of your feelings and desires. If someone else could so quickly and easily alter your feelings, then several aspects of your present relationship desperately need to be evaluated. Months of commitment deserves as least "further review" before you make a final decision. Remember, the character of a person is not measured by how they react when things are going well, rather how they react in times of difficulty. Whatever your decision, make sure it is well thought out and one you can look yourself in the mirror and live with.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Why doesn?t my boyfriend tell me he loves me?
wowgirl1230 | 28 October, 2008 02:07Why doesn’t my boyfriend tell me he loves me? Saying "I love you" is a major step in a man’s life. That’s why we wait for you to take that step first. Yes, it’s a joke, but like most jokes, it’s wrapped in a great deal of truth. When it comes to love and relationships, why would a guy not say that he loves you? Let me count the ways: 1) He’s not expressive. Men aren’t taught to share their feelings, blahblahblah. Do you buy this for even a second? I don’t. Everybody knows that women want to hear “I love you”. So what the hell is they guy waiting for? Armageddon? 2) The Chump Problem – My “Why You’re Still Single” co-author, Linda Holmes nailed this one in our 2006 book. Essentially,
by saying “I love you” first, you’re risking that your partner will not reciprocate, thus making you feel like somewhat of a chump. He, on the other hand, already KNOWS you love him, which is why he’s not risking anything by reciprocating. This leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that: Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle 3) He doesn’t love you. Or perhaps he’s not sure if he loves you. Either way, at this point, your feelings are stronger than his. This has to sting a little bit, but that’s the risk you take when you declare your love first. Then again, that’s the risk anyone takes when taking any bold action. A guy can go to a bar and gawk at cute girls, but until he risks being rejected and feeling foolish, nothing’s gonna happen. High risk, high reward. That’s the stakes of the love game. So what does this mean for you? Well, first of all, you learned a valuable lesson: it’s not the man’s job to say, “I love you” first. Especially if he doesn’t mean it. After all, it’s a bit of a dated cliché that a guy says “I love you” in order to get laid. These days we sleep together way before “I love you”. Thus “I love you” instead marks a turning point in the relationship. “Are we serious? Or are we just passing time?” A man who says “I love you” – willingly! – is indicating that he’s serious about a future. … Ultimately, you can’t twist a guy’s arm to say those three magic words, nor do you want to. Better for your boyfriend to make a statement by NOT saying it than to tell you what you want to hear. You don’t need a false sense of security from a guy who’s on the fence. Just know that every month that goes by without a reciprocal "I love you" is another month you’re investing in a very risky stock. It’s up to you when it’s time to sell.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Love and Romance: Hints for Women to Revive Romance
wowgirl1230 | 28 October, 2008 02:05Love and Romance: Hints for Women to Revive Romance 1. "Kidnap" him for a weekend escape to a quaint bed and breakfast. Secretively pack, and make all of the arrangements,
including financial. 2. When he is performing a thoughtful gesture on your behalf, don't complain about the quality of his actions. Simply express your appreciation (then fix it later!). 3. Serve him breakfast in bed (without causing food poisoning). 4. Give him a massage or arrange for him to visit to a professional masseuse. 5. Throw him a surprise party for no particular reason. Invite people he enjoys. 6. Take him out for a romantic dinner for two. Bring two gifts. One for him. One he (indirectly) bought for you! He'll be pleased he didn't mess yours up this time! 7. There is a law of nature that plucks a man's change from his pocket without his knowledge. Over time, collect these "donations, " wrap them, roll them, and present the cash to him for a purchase that he didn't believe he had the finances to make. 8. Place hidden notes (or jokes) in his lunch, briefcase, grooming area, underwear or sock drawer which express how much you love him. 9. Recreate your first date ever. Cover as many of the intricate details as possible. 10. Arrange for him to take a private lesson in his favorite sport or hobby. 11. Buy him a sleeve of exploding golf balls. You might not be present at the precise moment they're enjoyed, but I guarantee he'll express his thanks later. 12. Suggest a role reversal day. You perform all of his chores and vice versa. I'm not sure that he'll find this romantic, but he will never again complain about his responsibilities. 13. Finally, let him complete a sentence. He'll appreciate the change of pace.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Why We Love Who We Love
wowgirl1230 | 28 October, 2008 02:01Why We Love Who We Love Your Parents' Influence Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why? I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coaches Little League, is active in his Rotary Club and plays golf every Saturday with friends. Meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete Homebody. She doesn't even like to go out to dinner. javascript:void(0); What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer? Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus of medical psychology and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our "love map" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color,
in voice, smell, body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type. In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains. When I lecture, I often ask couples in the audience what drew them to their dates or mates. Answers range from "She's strong and independent" and "I go for redheads" to "I love his sense of humor" and "That crooked smile, that's what did it." I believe what they say. But I also know that if I were to ask those same men and women to describe their mothers, there would be many similarities between their ideal mates and their moms. Yes, our mothers -- the first real love of our lives -- write a significant portion of our love map. When we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center of hers. So our mother's characteristics leave an indelible impression, and we are forever after attracted to people with her facial features, body type, personality, even sense of humor. If our mother was warm and giving, as adults we tend to be attracted to people who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates. The mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about women in general. So if she is warm and nice, her sons are going to think that's the way women are. They will likely grow up warm and responsive lovers and also be cooperative around the house. Conversely, a mother who has a depressive personality, and is sometimes friendly but then suddenly turns cold and rejecting, may raise a man who becomes a "dance-away lover." Because he's been so scared about love from his mother, he is afraid of commitment and may pull away from a girlfriend for this reason. While the mother determines in large part what qualities attract us in a mate, it's the father -- the first male in our lives -- who influences how we relate to the opposite sex. Fathers have an enormous effect on their children's personalities and chances of marital Happiness. Just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward women, fathers influence their daughter's general feelings about men. If a father lavishes praise on his daughter and demonstrates that she is a worthwhile person, she'll feel very good about herself in relation to men. But if the father is cold, critical or absent, the daughter will tend to feel she's not very lovable or attractive. In addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social circumstances. We hang around with people in the same town; our friends have about the same educational backgrounds and career goals. We tend to be most comfortable with these people, and therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often much like our own. Complementary Needs What about opposites? Are they really attracted to each other? Yes and no. In many ways we want a mirror image of ourselves. Physically attractive people, for example, are usually drawn to a partner who's equally attractive. Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner. Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle It's rather like the old, but perceptive, saying on the subject of marriage that advises future partners to make sure that the holes in one's head fit the bumps in the other's. Or, as Winch observed, it's the balancing out of sociological likenesses and psychological differences that seems to point the way for the most solid lifelong romance. However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional Irish family in Chicago, who fell in love with an African American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong. It turns out that the woman was like her mother-in-law -- a loving and caring person, the type who rolls up her sleeves and volunteers to work at church or help out people in need. This is the quality that her husband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other social factors irrelevant to him. Or as George Burns, who was Jewish and married the Irish Catholic Gracie Allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was Gracie who got all the laughs. The two of them did share certain social similarities -- both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. Yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went onstage together. They complemented each other perfectly: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines. There are certainly such "odd couples" who could scarcely be happier. We all know some drop-dead beautiful person married to an unusually plain wallflower. This is a trade-off some call the equity theory. When men and women possess a particular asset, such as high intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or a hefty bankroll that has the same effect, some decide to trade their assets for someone else's strong points. The raging beauty may trade her luster for the power and security that come with big bucks. The not-so-talented fellow from a good family may swap his pedigree for a poor but brilliantly talented mate. Indeed, almost any combination can survive and thrive. Once, some neighbors of mine stopped by for a friendly social engagement. During the evening Robert, a man in his 50s, suddenly blurted out, "What would you say if your daughter planned to marry someone who has a ponytail and insisted on doing the cooking?" "Unless your daughter loves cooking," I responded, "I'd say she was darn lucky." "Exactly," his wife agreed. "It's really your problem, Robert -- that old macho thing rearing its head again. The point is, they're in love." I tried to reassure Robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out seemed to be a relaxed, nonjudgmental sort of person -- a trait he shared with her own mother. Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality. I happen to be one of those who were struck by the magic wand. On that fateful weekend, while I was a sophomore at Cornell University, I had a terrible cold and hesitated to join my family on vacation in the Catskill Mountains. Finally I decided anything would be better than sitting alone in my dormitory room. That night as I was preparing to go to dinner, my sister rushed up the stairs and said, "When you walk into that dining room, you're going to meet the man you'll marry." I think I said something like "Buzz off!" But my sister couldn't have been more right. I knew it from the moment I saw him, and the memory still gives me goose flesh. He was a premed student, also at Cornell, who incidentally also had a bad cold. I fell in love with Milton the instant I met him. Milt and I were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. And all that time we experienced a love that Erich Fromm called a "feeling of fusion, of oneness," even while we both continued to change, grow and fulfill our lives.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Love and Relationships: 10 SECRETS ABOUT MEN
wowgirl1230 | 28 October, 2008 01:59Love and Relationships: 10 SECRETS ABOUT MEN Esquire magazine has female celebrities telling us "10 Things Men Don't Know About Women." Here's my take on what they and their sisters don't know about men. 1. You don't want to be judged for your looks; we don't want to be judged for our wallets. Unless we're ugly and have lots of money. Then it's OK. 2. You're not the only person who likes to be called "sexy." 3. Saying "I love you" is a major step in a man's life. That's why we wait for you to take that step first. 4. We are not being cheap when we make $35,000 a year and can't afford to pay every single date. We are merely being practical. 5. A guy who spends too much time in the gym is making up for something else that's lacking. Unfortunately,
you can't figure out what it is until it's too late. 6. Don't get mad at us because we don't remember what you were wearing on our first date, or the angle of the light during our first kiss. We were probably drunk. 7. You're good in bed if you make us feel like stallions. 8. Jealousy isn't a sign that you love us more, it's a sign that you trust us less. 9. Hanging up on us is a surefire way to make sure we go to bed mad. 10. We're sorry. Whatever it is, we're sorry. Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle Additional Secrets: 1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible. 2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it. 3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it. 4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it. 5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you. 6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us. 7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it. 8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours. 9. cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it. 10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys! 11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway. 12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Love and Relationships: 10 SECRETS ABOUT MEN
wowgirl1230 | 28 October, 2008 01:59Love and Relationships: 10 SECRETS ABOUT MEN Esquire magazine has female celebrities telling us "10 Things Men Don't Know About Women." Here's my take on what they and their sisters don't know about men. 1. You don't want to be judged for your looks; we don't want to be judged for our wallets. Unless we're ugly and have lots of money. Then it's OK. 2. You're not the only person who likes to be called "sexy." 3. Saying "I love you" is a major step in a man's life. That's why we wait for you to take that step first. 4. We are not being cheap when we make $35,000 a year and can't afford to pay every single date. We are merely being practical. 5. A guy who spends too much time in the gym is making up for something else that's lacking. Unfortunately,
you can't figure out what it is until it's too late. 6. Don't get mad at us because we don't remember what you were wearing on our first date, or the angle of the light during our first kiss. We were probably drunk. 7. You're good in bed if you make us feel like stallions. 8. Jealousy isn't a sign that you love us more, it's a sign that you trust us less. 9. Hanging up on us is a surefire way to make sure we go to bed mad. 10. We're sorry. Whatever it is, we're sorry. Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle Additional Secrets: 1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible. 2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it. 3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it. 4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it. 5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you. 6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us. 7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it. 8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours. 9. cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it. 10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys! 11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway. 12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
How to Connect With Humanity When You Feel All Alone
wowgirl1230 | 20 October, 2008 02:35How to Connect With Humanity When You Feel All Alone “Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” - Eric Fromm The recent death of my Auntie Kerry put me in a state of mind that I think we all go through at different times in our lives: the feeling of utter isolation, of complete loneliness. There are times when we feel that even if we are surrounded by other people in our lives, we are alone. We must go through this difficult journey called life by ourselves, no matter if we’re married or if we have children or close friends. And that’s a very lonesome prospect. How do we overcome these feelings of loneliness and despair? While common, these feelings can be dangerous if we let them go too far — they can lead to Depression, suicidal thoughts, or just a slump in our lives. The answer is in connecting with other human beings. When we connect with other humans, we are no longer alone. We share our suffering, our experiences, our common trials. The misery we face is no longer insurmountable when we have someone to face it with us. But making that leap from being alone to making a connection can be a difficult one. One reader who contacted me recently, for example, has a form of social anxiety that stops him from talking to people in social situations. That’s a tough obstacle to overcome, but it can be done. While I’m not an expert in social anxiety or in relationships, I have overcome my share of social anxiety, overcome my share of Depression, and found ways to forge human connections in my years as a son, brother, husband, father, co-worker, boss and friend. Here are some tips for connecting with humanity when you’re feeling alone: 1. Do some kind of activity with others. If you don’t immediately have someone to connect with — such as a spouse, kids, or other close family or friends — make an effort to get out of your house and to meet up with others. If you’re afraid of meeting strangers, it helps to find places where you’re comfortable — for example, in a college class, for some people, at a bar you’re familiar with,
for others. But failing that, try some kind of group activity — a reading group, a running group, a support group, a volunteer group. The activity greases the social wheels. 2. Ask for a hug. If you do have easy access to a loved one, don’t be afraid to ask for a hug — it’s one of the best Medicines. That might sound corny, but it’s true. Human contact is something we all need, especially in times of need, and it is a very good way to connect with others. 3. Visit family and friends. If you have loved ones you don’t see every day, get out of your house and go visit them. Just being in their presence, making the effort to connect with them, that’ll go a long way to making human connections. Talk with them, share, bond. When my Auntie Kerry died, my family here on Guam immediately got together, and just being in each other’s company in such a time not only brought us closer together, and gave us that release of emotions we needed, but made us feel better during our time of grief. 4. Nix the TV and movies. Many times people spend time together watching TV and movies. While that’s OK some of the time, it isn’t the best way to connect with others. The problem with such passive entertainment is that it separates us, even if we’re close together. We end up not talking, but watching. Instead, play sports, play a board game, have Coffee or tea, have a picnic — anything that you do together, where you can talk and connect, is a good thing. 5. Find commonalities. If you don’t have easy access to loved ones, and need to make new friends and connect with new people, it’s best to start by trying to find common ground. What shared interests do you have? Have you lived in the same place, gone to the same school, worked in the same place? Do you have similar hobbies or passions? When you find that common ground, you can connect. 6. Open up. Once you’ve found common ground, and gotten comfortable with a person, don’t be afraid to open up a little. Of course, you don’t pour out all of your innermost secrets the first time you meet someone — it has to be a gradual opening up. But if you never open up, you will never make a real, deep connection. It’ll just be something on the surface. It’s when people share something real, and personal, that these real connections are made. 7. Practice, and get comfortable. Often we are shy or socially anxious when we are in uncomfortable situations. The remedy for this is to get comfortable, and the only way to do that is to keep doing it, keep practicing, until you’re better at it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get. 8. Do it in small doses. If the above tip sounds like too much for you — you have a hard time even contemplating practicing social situations until you’re comfortable — then it’s best to do it in small doses. Start with somewhere you’re fairly comfortable, and just try talking to someone you know a little. Then try someone you don’t know, but in a comfortable situation. Do it one dose at a time, celebrate your success, and then give it another try on another day. You don’t have to make huge connections all at once. 9. Groom yourself. This might sound obvious, but it’s amazing how big of a difference this can make. First, being well-groomed makes a good impression on others you don’t know well, and helps them to react more positively to you. But second, and more importantly, being well-groomed helps you to be more confident with yourself, and that makes all the difference in the world. 10. Learn to be a good listener. A very important point, but it’s incredible how many people ignore this fundamental skill. I’ve talked to so many people who I can tell are really good people, but who I tire of talking to simply because they don’t seem to hear anything I say. I listen to them, but they don’t return the favor, and as a result, it’s a one-sided conversation. No one likes that kind of conversation (except the person doing all the talking). If you want to make a connection with another person, you have to begin by listening. Learn to ask questions to gt the other person talking about herself — that’s everyone’s favorite subject. And when they do start talking, learn to actually listen. Don’t just stare with a blank look, and think about what you want to talk about. Hear what they’re saying, respond with appropriate words and sounds and facial expressions, ask follow up questions. If you can learn to listen, you’ll go a long way in making connections with anyone. 11. Help those in need. Aside from just meeting new people, another great way to connect with other human beings is to help them when they need help. Volunteering to help the Homeless and the hungry, for example, is a great way to meet new people, to do something positive, to make a difference in the lives of others, and to connect with people in ways that just aren’t otherwise possible. 12. Find ways to express your love. Whether you’re connecting with loved ones, with new people, or with those in need … the ultimate connection is always through love. And the way to make this kind of connection is by first expressing your love — without expecting it to be returned — in any way you can. How can you express your love? That’s up to you — you have to find ways that are appropriate to the situation, the relationship, and to you as a person — but some ideas: hugs, an affectionate smile, a nice letter, doing something considerate for the person, just spending time with them, telling them you love them, listing the reasons you love them … I’m sure you can think of many more. :) On a related note: thank you to everyone on this blog who has comforted me during my time of grieving over my family, through your kind words, through sharing your stories of loss and suffering, through sharing my pain, through your prayers and wishes and thoughts and positive energy. You’ve shown me, in a thousand ways, that connections can be made over great distances, between relative strangers, in a way that really does make a lasting difference on your life. So thank you, thank you.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Two Basic Relationship Problems
wowgirl1230 | 20 October, 2008 02:33Two Basic Relationship Problems Building relationships is essential for having a fulfilling life, but - as we all know - it’s not without its problems. Even close friendships could have problems every now and then. That’s why it’s important to learn about relationship problems and how to overcome them. While there are many relationship problems that could happen,
I believe they boil down to just two. These are the basic problems that cause other problems in relationships. Here they are: relationships problems 1. Misunderstanding Misunderstanding is perhaps the most common problem in relationships. Sometimes your friends misinterpret what you do or say. Or it’s you who misinterpret them. Depending on the maturity of the people involved, such misunderstanding could be solved quickly or it could open the way to more serious problems. Misunderstanding is caused either by lack of quality or quantity in communication. You could spend a lot of time to communicate with your friends (for example, with your roommate), but if the quality of the communication is low then there is a good chance that misunderstanding will happen. The problem could also happen because you and your friend don’t communicate often enough. If both parties are busy, they may not have the chance to communicate what they need or want which may eventually lead to misunderstanding. Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle 2. Selfishness Another common problem in relationships is selfishness. Perhaps both parties understand what the other party needs, but one or both of them are not willing to give it. They prefer to just keep it for themselves. In this case, the problem is lack of action instead of lack of understanding. For example, it takes time to build relationships but we may be too busy to provide time for others. While we can’t generalize the case, being busy could be a form of selfishness. Just wanting to be understood without trying to understand is also a form of selfishness. *** These two basic problems cause many other relationship problems. Being judgmental, for instance, is often caused by selfishness. We want others to meet our expectations and we blame them when they don’t. Anger could be caused my misunderstanding. You may think that your friend does something bad to you while she actually doesn’t intent to. Perhaps she does you good but you misinterpret it. Misunderstanding causes us to misinterpret positive as negative. These two relationship problems may seem simple, but solving them requires serious effort. It may take years or even lifetime to learn how to solve them. But being aware of them is a good first step because we can’t win a war if we don’t even know the enemy. In a future article, I will discuss ways to solve these problems.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
What Men Want/What Women Want
wowgirl1230 | 20 October, 2008 02:32What Men Want/What Women Want Men and women are quite different, which basically means that (surprise!) they are driven by different things in a mate. Having been a single woman living in Los Angeles for a while now, and being the ever-observant creature that I am, I feel that the following is pretty accurate in regard to what we want from each other: These are the five types of women that men go for: The Slut—It's no secret that men are driven by what they see. The chicks that prance around in barely-there outfits and put themselves out there like walking sex billboards will definitely attract a man, but not for long. These women are the “Promiscuous” girls that Nelly Furtado sang about. They think it's cute to get sloppy drunk and flash strangers. They feel empowered by having one-night stands and getting attention from as many men as they can. Without the shenanigans of these girls, Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame would have been forced into another line of work. The Knockout—She's beautiful, she's confident,
and she knows how to get what she wants. All eyes are on her when she walks into a room. Mucho points for a man's ego. Other men wish they could have her and women are slightly intimidated by her (although they won't admit it). The Challenge—Men love the thrill of the hunt. They want the woman that is attractive, smart, charming … and out of their reach. The woman who doesn't fall all over them when other women do. The woman this is nonchalant or even slightly aloof regarding the fact that this man wants her so bad. She may even be his friend, but he just can't quite get there. The Submissive—These are women who will make a man feel like a man. She likes for him to take the bull by the horns in the relationship and she will cater to him no matter what. He won't have to clean/take care of the kids/cook or do much of anything because she's like his own personal servant. The One You Can Take Home to Mama—This woman is just an all-around great catch. She gets along with his friends, understands him like no other, makes him laugh, shares his interests, stimulates his mind, maybe even lets him watch a game in peace every once in a while. She's a keeper! The five types of men that women go for: The Bad Boy—He may not have a pot to p*ss in or a window to throw it out, but, if he's a thug or some other type of bad boy, women will want him. BAD. They'll wanna fight other women for him. They'll wanna be his baby mama. They'll wanna be the one that he settles for. Guess what? This dude's not gonna settle! He loves the attention and he'll play a woman as long as she lets him. And if you leave him? So what. There's another woman waiting around the corner to take your place. Turns out he's been seeing her on the side anyway. The Brainiac—Women are turned on by a certain part of a man where the bigger, the better. I'm talking about his brain, of course! We love a man who can challenge our intellect and enlighten us on a few subjects, whether it be politics, mechanical engineering, or whatever subject matter we're lacking knowledge in. It's sexy when a man can hold a stimulating conversation and actually look us in the eye. It doesn't hurt when he can answer a few questions while playing Trivial Pursuit, either. The Charmer—Charisma is extremely important. Nobody wants to end up with someone who will bore them out of their skull. It's important to us that our man is appreciated by our friends and loved ones. He should have the wit and charm to hold folks in awe for hours on end. We want to hear them say “What a great guy! I like him. When is he coming around again?” The Knight in Shining Armor—Let's face it, women don't like wimps. We want a man to protect us from danger, defend our honor, and carry our heavy groceries (not necessarily in that order). We want a strong man in our corner. Not that we'll test him, but we basically want him to be able to kick someone's butt if it comes down to that. The Perfect Man—Does he exist? Some seem to have found him. This is the guy who fits a good chunk of the checklist items of what we want in a man. Handsome? Check. Got a job? Check. Watches chick flicks without complaining? Check. He may have some little quirks that we think are cute, but overall he's all that, and then some. Sometimes he's right in front of us and we don't even realize it.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
25 Ways to Build Stronger Friendships
wowgirl1230 | 20 October, 2008 02:2825 Ways to Build Stronger Friendships Friendships are incredibly important. At certain stages in our lives, friendships are everything to us – the most important thing in our lives. Friendships help define us. Our friends can influence our choices – where we live, what we eat, what we buy. Friendships grow and change as people come and grow. There is old proverb that says, “friends are flowers in the garden of life.” Friendships need their own kind of water and soil to grow healthy and strong. The following are 25 things to keep in mind to facilitate building stronger friendships. Choose friends wisely. You do not have to be everyone’s friend. Choose to be friends with people who build you up, not tear you down. Choose friends who inspire you and welcome you, not alienate and insult you. You can’t choose the family you are born into, but you can choose your friends. Listen. Listen closely to what the other person is saying. Let that person know that you hear them. Ask clarifying questions. Summarize what you’ve heard. Though helpful, it does not always have to be through words. Eye contact and body language are also important ways of showing someone you are listening. Respond carefully. Think before you speak - especially if you are angry. Sometimes, taking a moment to think about what you say before you start blurting things out will spare hurt feelings and bruised pride. Also, when friends feel like it is okay to be themselves around you,
they trust you. Choose your words with care. Avoid consistently giving advice or trying to fix all of your friend’s problems. By all means, if a friend asks for your advice, give it. They might want you to proofread an important email before it is sent out. Maybe they are struggling with a relationship. Perhaps life is throwing them a curve ball and they need your support or insight. Don’t wiggle your way into every aspect of your friend’s life, telling them how to be the star of their own show. Give them room to process things and make their own decisions. Play fair. Avoid trying to one-up your friends. Eventually your friends won’t want to play with you anymore. Be authentic. Be yourself. Be honest. Avoid putting up a façade. We all test our relationships by throwing something out there about our true nature. We then hide behind a corner, head peeking out, waiting for the response. If someone can’t accept you for who you are, developing a relationship with them will be hard. Don’t shortchange yourself by denying your beliefs, values, and point of view, for the sake of fitting in. You won’t be doing anyone any favors. Communicate openly and honestly. Developing communication with a person can take time – and trust! Ask your friends what you can do for them. Share what you have to offer. Don’t be afraid to let people know what you need. Share what is necessary, but don’t dominate conversation. When a problem arises, work through it together. Accept your friends for who they are. On your search for friends who can accept your authentic self, keep in mind – other people are looking for the same thing. We all want people who love us for who we are. Respect their choices. It is okay to disagree. If your friend decides to make a move when you think standing still is the right thing to do, let them do their thing. If you’ve given your advice and your friend sees things differently, step aside. What your friend is doing might be right for their life but not yours. They might be making a mistake, but if it doesn’t kill them, maim them, or leave them in a coma, hopefully they can learn from the experience. And, if it will kill them, lock them in a closet and don’t let them out until they’ve forgotten why you trapped them in there in the first place. Be the kind of friend you want others to be for you. You want friends who are honest, kind, compassionate, fair, not judgmental, authentic, and intelligent. Be that person first and you’ll be more likely to attract that kind of friend into your life. Be empathetic. Trying to understand things from your friend’s point of view can help you communicate and understand each other better. Give compliments. Show love for your friends by complimenting them on their good qualities or things they do well. Has a friend done something you admire them for? Let them know! Express your gratitude. Let your friends know that you value your friendship. Tell them. Write them a note. Did you see the collector’s edition of their favorite movie while you were out? Buy a copy. Surprise your friend by taking him or her out for lunch or dinner at one of their favorite places. Admit and apologize. When you do something wrong, admit it. Learn to apologize. Sometimes a friend is upset, and all they want from you is to (genuinely) say “sorry.” It shows that you realize your misstep, and that you will hopefully not make the same mistake again. Let go. Did a friend do something that hurt you? Have you talked it through? Were apologies made? Let go and move on! If you don’t, you’ll hang on to the transgression and it will taint the relationship going forward. Don’t trudge up a prickly patch of your past. Try your best to make a fresh start. Make time for your friends. Spend time with your friends. It might feel odd to schedule your friends on your calendar, but if you have a busy schedule, getting them in your book, is better than letting them go. Show your friends that you want to be around them. Is your friend far away? Write them an email, chat with them via IM, call them on the phone, plan a weekend get together. Making time for your friends sends the message that they are an important part of your life. health Top Tips nutrition Love lifestyle Happiness Weight Loss Keep your promises. If you know you can’t deliver something, don’t promise that you will. If you make a promise, do you best to keep it. It is better to say “I don’t think I can make it on Saturday night, but lets get lunch next week,” than saying you will show up, and then accept a different invitation or cancel at the last minute. Celebrate what you have in common. Most friendships are started because of some common thread – a favorite sport, a love of books, an appreciation of fine wine, an insufferable boss. Get season tickets to your favorite baseball team or check out the local library book sale together next month. Try new things together. What new experiences can you share with your friend? It could be as simple as checking out the new local Coffee shop, or as adventurous as bungee jumping. Have fun together. Friendships, like any other relationship, can fall into a rut sometimes – especially if all you do with your friends is share your latest complaints every time you see each other. Shake up the routine. Go out and do something fun you both enjoy, or look at that list of new things to try that you came up with and do one of them. It’s great to have a friend you can open up with, but lighten the burden load and let loose – create some happy memories together. Seek balance in your friendship. Entering a relationship with selfish motives and being a person who takes and takes and takes until the well runs dry, is likely to lead a lonely life. Serve and support your friends. What can you do for them? How can you help? What can you add to their life or their day to make it a little bit better? Take equal responsibility for the friendship. Take turns making plans or driving across town to see each other. If there is a problem, acknowledge your part in it and figure out, together, how to make it right. If both people are not tending to the relationship, it will not flourish. Be a cheerleader. Be encouraging. Motivate your friends. Affirmation goes a long way. If your friends aren’t in your corner, who is? Keep personal information confidential. As relationships grow, it is common for friends to share confidential information with you. If a friend tells you a secret it is because they trust you and believe that you will keep what they told you in the strictest of confidence. Do not betray your friend by sharing their secret stories with others. Many times a relationship has been ruined over spilled secrets. Unclench your fist. Friendships grow and change. Sometimes they end. You can change a lot in a year. Imagine how much you can change in 10 years. The person you were when you met someone is not the person you will always be. You grow up. You change your mind about things. Your friends will do the same. Sometimes a friend you’ve known for years will start to play a bigger role in your life as the years pass. Perhaps your lifestyles change radically and spending tons of time together just does not feel right anymore because you have fewer interests in common. This friend might stay in your life, but might have less impact on and influence in it. That’s okay. If a person is bringing you down, hurting you, or starts to go down a dangerous path, it is completely acceptable to end the relationship. Sometimes we struggle to hang on to a wilting relationship. Many times, it is healthier to let go.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
An Exploration in Irrational Behavior by Rational People
wowgirl1230 | 20 October, 2008 02:21An Exploration in Irrational Behavior by Rational People Believe it or not, I actually owned a small amount of Netscape stock right after it went public in the mid ‘90s. I watched in awe as the price soared and my little investment doubled in value. I felt like a wall street warrior and marveled at my investment prowess. Wall Street was mine for the taking and nothing was going to stop me. Then one day the price went down. Only a little at first and certainly not enough to worry about. But then the downward slide began and I watched in as the price went lower and lower and lower. How could this be? Netscape was the darling of Wall Street at the time and made ‘surfing the net’ a mainstream experience. With unbridled confidence I watched and waited. And waited some more. I just knew it would rebound. Unfortunately for me,
after a few years of “waiting”, I finally sold the stock at a loss after the AOL buyout. It was only after reading “Sway - the Irresistible pull of irrational behavior” by Ori and Rom Brafman that I understood why I had acted the way I did. It was little comfort to know that I acted like so many investors and was swayed by a force almost as powerful as gravity – Loss Aversion. Ori and Rom Brafman explore several psychological forces that influence decisions we make and the actions we take on a daily basis. These forces are stronger that any of us realize, and have a significant impact on our lives. Think of these forces as Dark Matter for our minds, that exert an unseen force that sways us into taking actions that we really should not be taking. Rational people doing irrational things. What are these forces that have us in their grip? Is there a way to overcome them? Ori and Rom present the evidence and provide the information needed for us to break free. Stories Capture our Attention The Brafman’s employ a very powerful technique to convey their message and hold your attention: they tell stories. And good one’s at that. They masterfully summarize numerous medical and psychological studies that support their observations and illustrate their points. After reading the Preface, I too was swayed into a reading frenzy that caught the attention of my wife. My lovely bride of 24 years noticed my I-can’t-put-this-book-down behavior and promptly reminded me that I had several books from the library that I needed to finish before I continued with Sway. My books went back to the library the next day. No One Likes a Loser I read the story about the airline pilot that ignored years of training and experience while trying to minimize a large perceived loss, and paid for it with the lives of the crew and passengers of his doomed flight. Sometimes we can be swayed into consequences far worse than a financial loss. Then there is the professor who consistently gets students to pay significantly more than $20 for a $20 bill. Or the investor who like me, watches his investment dwindle all the while thinking it will rebound. health Top Tips nutrition Love lifestyle Happiness Weight Loss These are all examples of Loss Aversion - a psychological force that causes people to go through great lengths to avoid a loss (even when the action to avoid the loss is greater than the loss itself). No one wants to be a loser, even when it’s the best option to take. Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover There was the story of the young scientist that found an archeological discovery that revolutionized the thinking of the origins of humans. Unfortunately he was ostracized because he was relativity unknown in the scientific community. No one would believe his find until many years after the discovery. Meanwhile, a well known archeologist was praised for a discovery that ultimately turned out to be false. Value Attribution is a nasty little force where you make a conscious or subconscious judgment based on your initial perceived value. If you think someone is a bozo, then they will always be a bozo in your eyes. No matter what they do, their work will be suspect. As Jim McCarthy said in his book “Dynamics of software Development” – “Don’t flip the bozo bit”. You shouldn’t ignore someone’s input just because they made a few mistakes or are not viewed as the resident expert on a team. There is Always More to the Story Ori and Rom tell a poignant story about a young toddler that’s not feeling well and has a mother that seems to be “over reacting” to the situation. After three days and three trips to the emergency room, the toddler sadly dies from her illness. The doctors were focused on the over reacting mother instead of the sick patient. Unfortunately the doctors fell prey to the force of Diagnosis Bias and a little girl paid the ultimate price. Diagnosis Bias occurs when one ignores the facts and observations that contradict your initial assessment of a situation or a person. Treat People the Way you Want to be Treated There are a set of studies that highlight the irresistible pull of a force known as Procedural Justice – it’s the process and not the outcome that matters. People want to be treated fairly – even convicted felons. When studied, convicted felons felt they were treated fairly based on the amount of “time their lawyer spent with them”. Even when the outcome was not in their favor and they went to jail, the felons felt the process was fair. Are we Doomed to be Swayed? Now that we’re aware of these forces, can we turn them to our favor? How can we benefit from this knowledge? As one reads through each chapter, Ori and Rom provide us with tips on combating these forces as well as providing sound advice in the Epilogue. Once you know these forces exist, then you are way ahead of most people and can change your behavior. About a month ago, I was the lucky recipient of one of the free copies of Sway from PickTheBrain.com and thought it was fitting to write this book review. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did. For some reason I have the irresistible urge to read the book a 2nd time. Hmm, could there be yet another psychological force at work here?Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
How to Make Yourself Your Own Company
wowgirl1230 | 15 October, 2008 05:57
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As an individual we are like a company. That’s one reason why I love to read business books: there are a lot of Business ideas that can be applied at individual level. But seeing ourselves as a company is not easy. It requires a new mindset and a new way to treat ourselves. If you do that, however, there is a clear advantage waiting for you: you will thrive in globalization. Globalization poses the threat that our skills will be commoditized and our jobs get moved overseas. By seeing yourself as a company,
you will treat yourself professionally - just like companies do - which make you ready to face such challenges. You will be a free agent that is not dependent on an employer. I came to this realization when I read Thomas Friedman’s book The World is Flat . In it, he wrote that we now live in globalization 3.0. In globalization 1.0 (at the beginning of the 20th century), the main players were countries. In globalization 2.0 (1989-2000), the main players were multinational companies. But in globalization 3.0 (2000-now), the main players are empowered individuals. Thanks to technologies such as the Internet, globalization 3.0 allows individuals to do much more. For instance, it’s now possible for them to sell their products and services to worldwide customers, something that previously could only be done by companies. That’s why I believe seeing ourselves as companies is crucial. It may make the difference between being a winner and a victim. Here some things you should do to make yourself your own company: 1. Think of your employer as your customer If you now work for a company, the first thing you should change is your mindset. You are not an employee of the company. Instead, the company is a customer of yours. You are your own independent company, and your employer is just one customer that wants to consume the value you produce. Having this mindset will help you see things differently. 2. Take responsibility Since you are your own company, you must take responsibility for your career. When something bad happens, do not blame outside factors such as your employer or the economy. You are responsible for yourself. 3. Find your core competences Nowadays companies can only thrive if they focus on doing the few things that they do best. There is no way they can excel in everything. More likely, trying to do that will only waste valuable resources. So find your core competences. A good clue to find them is your passions. You can read more about it on my career tips article. After you find your core competences, move your resources (time, money, and energy) to hone them and bring them to the next level. 4. Outsource things outside of your core competences For things outside of your core competences, you should outsource them to someone else who can do it either better or cheaper than you. You can do that by hiring someone or using virtual assistant. Another way to do that is by using other people’s works and customizing them to meet your needs. For instance, you can use and customize someone else’s web template. 5. Find your mission I know it’s easier said than done, but you must have a mission if you want to succeed, and - the book Built to Last suggests - it should be something higher than money. Find what matters to you and start from there. Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle 6. Create your one-liner After finding your life mission, you should create a one-liner out of it. The one-liner summarizes your mission in a concise form - ten words or less. It will make it easier for you to communicate your mission to other people. 7. Build your personal brand Your brand is the promise of the value people will get when they come to you. The stronger your brand, the easier you can sell your products and services. So learn the laws of personal branding and start building your personal brand . 8. Diversify your customer base No healthy company has only one customer. You should have many customers so that when something happens to one of them, the impact will be minimal. If you are an employee with no other source of income, then you have only one customer: your employer. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket; you should diversify and find new customers. It usually means that you should have your own side-business. Or, if you already have a Business, it means that you should find new income streams to avoid dependency on only one income stream. 9. Plan your moves No good company works without plan. Most likely they will only work on the wrong things or work the wrong way. So plan your moves. Set your goals and outline the strategies to achieve them. 10. Record your financial activities Do you know of a company that doesn’t have accounting? I don’t. So, if you want to be a company, it’s essential to record your financial activities: all your income, expenses, and investment. You can use software like Microsoft Money or Quicken , or use online applications like Wesabe and Mint . Just be sure that you have a way to see your financial situation instantly. *** You can add more steps to these, but these 10 steps are the essential ones. Start doing them and you are on your way to have a healthy company called You.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
How to Get Rid of Interview Nerves
wowgirl1230 | 15 October, 2008 05:55
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A recent research shows that most of people while attending their very first or second interview face the problem of interview nerves. This interview nerves simply make them nervous and depressed. This mainly happens due to lack of confidence and belief in oneself. Most of them even suffer from sleepless nights and arrogant behavior. They feel as if interviews are nothing but an interrogation by an unknown person who will judge them by their answers. They simply can't understand or comprehend that the interviews are as beneficial for them as for the company. To overcome these problems they firstly need to make their mind set for facing the interview full of confidence. This can be done by building up confidence that this job is for me only. To remove your I-nerves you need really need to do some home work before you go through an interview. This Home work includes preparation for the estimated questions which can be asked in the interview. You also need to be prepared with a few details of the company like its products,
vision, recent achievement, etc. This is just to have an upper hand in the interview so that you can explain that you are the right candidate for the company. The second thing that you must remember at the time of interview is to act confident tough you are nervous. One must be completely relaxed before the interview. Because stress is one of the major reasons which reduces one's performance ability. Read out your C V for two or three times and be prepared to answer any question asked in reference to your C V. If you still find it difficult to reduce stress then do something which gives the most pleasure. Smile plays a vital role reducing stress. In fact smiling is a natural antidote to stress. It is because smiling releases endorphins. Also if any time you feel that your nerve is getting the better of you than take a deep breath in breath out and stretch along with a smile, you will feel relaxed. Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle Another way of getting over with your nerves is by a well known therapy called as hypnosis. Hypnosis is a very effective therapy which is generally used for curing nerves of Examinations, Interviews, Meetings, etc. Hypnosis mainly activates your subconscious mind so that you are extra alert and attentive what you are doing. Thus this gives you a lot more confidence to deal with. Now here are some of the tips you must follow for your interview. You must be fully prepared for the interview and you must possess everything required. You must maintain a complete eye contact with the interviewer, because it will show your confidence. You must not do any nervous acts like being fidgety, fixing your tie or touching your clothes dress again and again. Be positive while talking and use your hands to express yourself. With hypnosis you can come in terms with such a situation and will be well prepared to face a barrage of questions that come your way.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Choosing a Career Over Love
wowgirl1230 | 15 October, 2008 05:54
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The choice between having a career or making time for love is an extremely personal and individual decision. There are many factors which can affect your choice, and there are many people who have discovered how to achieve a healthy work life balance that allows them to have both. Careers and love fulfill us in different but important ways. Having a solid career gives us a sense of accomplishment and self worth, aside from the practicalities of paying the bills. Many people develop their entire identity based upon what they do, elevating their career to a level of great importance in their lives. Then there are those who measure their success in terms of having a pleasant and rewarding Home life. They develop their identities based upon the accomplishments of their children,
and derive their self worth through the love and support of a spouse. So what happens if you cannot or do not wish to make room in your life for both? While the happiest and healthiest people have managed to develop a work life balance that allows for both, it may not be for everyone. Consider these factors when pondering which is more important for you. 1. Your career May be More Important When You are Young Many people these days focus on careers first and family later. The reasoning is that, while you are young and unencumbered, you have the time and energy to fully devote yourself to a career. If you have lofty career ambitions while you are young, it may indeed be the time to start making progress towards those goals. Once you get married and begin to build a family, much of your time and energy – by necessity – becomes devoted to your family. This is as it should be. You should not start a family unless you are willing to devote time and attention to your loved ones. Many people who accomplish great success in their careers when they are young, and establish themselves in a secure position, are then more willing and comfortable later on to devote themselves to family. By the time they do settle down, they are more prepared to handle the responsibility. 2. Falling in Love can be Better When You are Older More and more people these days are choosing to wait when it comes to making decisions about family. It is not unusual for people to delay marriage until their late 30’s or even their early 40’s. Delaying family decisions allows you to be better prepared for those obligations, and creates a better likelihood that you are in touch with your most important goals and values. You have had the opportunity to completely grow up, greatly reducing the chances of feeling like you are “missing out.” You have had the chance to purge the foolishness of youth from your system and are now confident with the wisdom of maturity. 3. Choosing Both If you can find a work life balance that allows you to experience the joys of love and maintain a successful career, you will have a truly happy and rewarding life. A loving family at Home can help you celebrate all of your successes, and bolster your confidence through your failures. There are many people out there reaping the tremendous rewards that come with including love and work in their lives, and finding the balance that allows for both. A life that only has room for a career, or that includes a consuming love that stifles your personal development, is likely not a lifestyle that is healthy or fulfilling. Our personal needs and feelings of self worth need to be met, which is normally gained from having a good career. Our hearts and souls need to be nourished, and we need companionship to support us through life, which normally are derived from loving relationships. The truly healthy and well balanced person will recognize the benefits of having both. He or she will take steps to achieve the work life balance necessary to assure the continuation of career growth while nurturing and maintaining the health of personal relationships. It is only when we can maintain this delicate balance that we are living life to its greatest potential.Posted in General . Comment: (0). Trackbacks:(0). Permalink
Fight Downhill Battles: Let Laziness and Inertia Make You More Productive
wowgirl1230 | 15 October, 2008 05:53
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know that you can cancel a magazine subscription at any time? Return unwanted Book-of-the-Month Club selections? Cancel unused credit cards? Put an end to unwanted junk mail? You probably did know that, and yet you still receive magazines you don’t read anymore, have a stack of books or CDs from membership clubs that you’ve never even opened, pay yearly fees on credit cards you neither use nor want, and open your mailbox several times a week to a flood of flyers, catalogs, and local papers — all of which go straight to the trash. Why is that? There’s almost no work involved in doing any of these things — a phone call,
a “return to sender” scrawled across the package, maybe a letter, and you’re free! The time, money, and hassle you would save would be more than the cost of a few minutes on the phone. The sticking point, though, is the “almost” in “almost no work involved”. We humans have a tremendous capacity for keeping on doing whatever we’re already doing — even when it doesn’t make sense anymore. Remember your physics? An object in motion will tend to stay in motion — unless acted on by an outside force. That’s inertia. In behavioral terms, it means that once we settle into a course of action, it becomes harder and harder to change it. All that little stuff, especially, is so easily procrastinated, so easily forgotten, so unlikely to be subject to the kind of outside forces that might lead us to make a change, that lots of companies have created successful Business models out of it. Don’t believe me? Take a look around your neighborhood and see how many yards have more than one newspaper sitting in them. Maybe your own yard has a few days’ worth of newspaper buildup. Every day you or your neighbors think “I really need to cancel that newspaper subscription” — and then they move on. Three months later, the bill comes. And is paid! And the cycle repeats itself… Health Top Tips Nutrition Lifestyle I’m not going to tell you how to break the cycle. You know how — sit down, make a list of all the little annoyances in your life that could easily be stopped, and spend an hour or two stopping them. No big deal. What interests me more, though, is the basic behavior itself — and how we can turn it to our benefit. An easy example comes to mind: automatic bill payment. Once you set up automatic payments, it becomes more of a hassle to stop them than to adapt to them — which is the whole point. Your bills get paid by inertia. What are some other ways that your innate laziness can work for you? Automatic savings: 10% of your paycheck goes into a high-yield account with withdrawal penalties. Get used to it. Set your alarm clock 20 minutes earlier: Yeah, like you’ll remember to change it. Too bad, you have to wake up now. Subscribe to groceries: Amazon has a Subscribe and Save program that allows you to set up a subscription to common household goods (diapers, toilet paper, toiletries, non-perishable foods, etc.). You set up how many you want and how often, and they bill you when each new order is shipped. Plus, subscribed items are 15% off. Not everything is a great deal — your local grocery store might still be cheaper for a lot of things — but for things you need on a regular basis, a subscription can save you some last-minute dashes to the store (and shorten your regular shopping trips, since you won’t need to buy as much). And canceling a subscription is just enough work that you probably won’t. Accountability partners: This is a good one for people working towards long-term goals — find someone to ask you regularly how you’re doing. Someone you won’t be able to lie to easily. It will eventually be more stress to not do something than to just do it. And won’t that be awful? Habits, of course: Building any positive behavior into a habit — whether it’s writing first thing in the morning or going to the gym after work or always leaving your keys by the front door — is a great use of inertia. Once established, it becomes harder to break your habit than to just do it. It seems to me there is a great deal of power in inertia, if we could figure out how to take advantage of it. All too often we get stuck in negative inertia, those ruts that prevent us from fulfilling our potential. Why not turn that to our benefit and make our own laziness an asset? Do you take advantage of inertia in your life? What does laziness help you accomplish? Let us know in the comments!